Being Shat Upon

I recently became a father for the first time, to my recollection, on April 28th, 2005. Just like I was warned, everything changed. Lack of sleep, tollerance for ear-piercing cries, and no more nookie. However, the most drastic change in my life is my increased ability to withstand the bodily functions of the human baby.

Story. When I was in middle school, I had to give up my miniature schnauzer puppy because I would gag and vommit everytime it shat on the floor. I couldn't clean up after it and therefore had to relieve myself of the duty. Needless to say the thought of cleaning crappy diapers was somewhat disconcerting. Everyone told me "Oh it is different when it is your own flesh and blood." BS! It is still crap - by the way, the scoots are common among newborns.

Last week I was changing my beautiful baby girl. I had wiped and was about to apply the fresh, clean diaper when disaster occurred. Some unknown force gripped my child tightly around the abdomen and squeezed her colon firmly and quickly. I didn't see the phantom and thus was unprepared for the consequence. I was shat upon from a distance of approximately 2 feet. Completely horizontally. Awesome!

I was waiting for the vommit or gagging to commence. Nothing ever came. I realized at this point, with pumpkin-orange poo on my shorts, that I had officially become an adult. I had been initiated into the fraternal club of fathers. Yippy Skippy. Since then, I have been spit upon, peed on, and projectile vommit has landed warmly on my shirt.

I love being a dad.